Monday, September 3, 2012

I'm a Princess!

I screw up a lot. I know that I am not supposed to put myself down, but I do mess up a lot. This past week I was reading Paul's words in Romans 7:15, which say, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." That describes me so well.

I get so frustrated with myself at times. I do not understand how each morning I get up, pray, and tell God that today is a new day and I am going to do well with my self-discipline (lie #1), and I am going to stick to my new feeding lifestyle that I know God told me to go by (lie #2), and that I am going to get all of my list for the day accomplished (lie #3). Without meaning to, I have lied to God three times before I have even gone to the bathroom. I really intend to do those things, but someone calls or comes by, the kids/grandkid needs something, or something inevitably takes over my mind and the day gets shot.

I got real holy last week though! I was going to overcome this devil in my life. I made the entire family (except the 19 year old rebel who feels she does not have to succomb to this fast) turn off the television for 21 days. I figured if the TV is not on then we will get our lives in order. Well, that ding dang dong "devil" (flesh, life, whatever you want to call it) made me so busy I could not tell if I was coming or going this entire first week. So all this time in prayer and feeding my spirit and soul did not even happen. Man, does Paul really get to my gut with that scripture up there.

It is easy to blame the devil for me. Because if he did it then I am not as responsible as I should be. I mean, I am responsible for what does or does not get done in my life, but if the enemy is messing with me and causing the problem, then I am not as fully responsible thus giving me a sort of a clean conscience. Or so I hoped. However, I knew something was off.

Well, I know that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. However, Paul is showing me even more in Romans, that my flesh is still MY flesh and not the devil's. Therefore, I am responsible for my actions.

The bad thing is, I am still working on how to overcome my flesh. I promise you, I have started a 21 day fast like six times within the last month to help me with my flesh. Guess what? Yep, I have messed that up as well. Usually by day three I am crabby and sinning by lashing out at everyone around me and very far from holy. So I tell myself that since I am not honoring God anyway, I might as well eat. A long time ago, I convinced myself that God was the one telling me that. Now I know it is my stomach.

So I do not have the perfect answer or even a message from God on how to overcome the flesh other than what the Bible says. And that is pretty much taking authority over it. I quote scriptures all day to myself and the unseen enemy. I can even quote praises to God. However, I have not mastered what myself and Paul was working on. So over the next 21 days I will keep myself accountable and I hope I can learn. I will be digging into the scripture (truth #1) as I eat healthy (truth #2 - unless it is laid out before me because we are supposed to eat what is set before us right? Just kidding I will be good), and make a more doable list for each day (truth #3). As I move through this time period, as I find nuggets through prayer and reading, I will share them with my blog and see if I can get some enlightenment from the people in the virtual world to help me.

God bless and see you next time!